A Proto-Hominid Dons Pinstripes

They're draping the black bunting in Beantown after Red Sox center fielder Johnny Damon, the beloved Australopithecus of the American League, has agreed to a four-year, $52 illion contract with the rival New York Yankees. (We've got the regular story as link no. 39 and an incisive Buster Olney thinkpiece as no. 34.) This gives the Yanks 5 of the AL's top 12 run-scorers for next season — though, as they showed this past season, a $209 million payroll doesn't mean that aging superstars will necessarily jell as a squad or stay healthy — and means the Sox have to decide what to do to in Damon's absense. Bloggers, as you may've guessed, are stepping up to the proverbial plate: AthleticsNation has some guesses as to what the Sox will try to do next; Gaslamp has some computer-enhanced imagery of what Damon will look like as a Yankee; while JD sums it up for us, writing the trade "makes the point anywhere... everyone's for sale." So it would seem. If we were a Boston schoolchild, we wouldn't believe in nothin' no more.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:38 AM | Permalink

Category: Sport Spectator

Well, He Just Took The Sky From You, After All

We could feel the enmity from the rest of the Internet this summer when we made Joss Whedon's "Firefly"-"Serenity" series the target of some of our trademark gibes, but we're somewhat saddened to have to report that we won't really have it to kick around anymore. Sure, the DVDs will be continue to be a top-seller, probably, but the movie tanked and as our no. 11 top link says today, Whedon's never going to revive the series beyond its perpetual syndication loop on the Sci-Fi channel. Now, we have seen a couple episodes of this show, and though we found it ludicrous that in the far future people would be wearing overalls and ridiculous boots on space ships, saying things like "I reckon," "Firefly" seemed to have its moments. (Apart from its theme song, which was heavily ladled with weak sauce.) Its Internet devotees, however, will be howling their sorrow for the next ten moons. One postmortem lays the blame square at the feet of the fans: "I would like to congratulate Joss Whedon on admitting that Firefly/Serenity is dead. Remember, Browncoats, it's all your fault for making Yet Another LiveJournal post about the movie, and not just living at the theatre for the seven weeks it was on. Again, to repeat: it was all your fault." Oooh, snap!

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:12 AM | Permalink

Category: On The Telly

Who Says Famous People Are Aloof?

You no doubt read BlogPulse's no. 3 top link today, about how the New York City Metropolitan Transit Authority's employees are striking, but did you realize the strike not only affects millions of irate New Yorkers — it also affects famous people? That's right, attractive people whose pictures you'd recognize. The msm reports that famous show-biz types in New York are " scrambling" to keep working after the transportation stoppages. Not only that, Jessica Alba and Hayden Christensen are trapped in Queens, where they've been shooting a movie, and have been required to stay at a Comfort Inn — Darth Vader! Mrs. Fantastic! at a Comfort Inn! You'd better mop up that coffee you just spilled on your keyboard; the boss is going to be irate. But admid these crises, the celebriblogs we look to for wisenheimer remarks in these times haven't failed us. Here's one of Defamer's quips: "The strike is not without its hidden benefits, however. For example, for Christensen, it will make it that much harder for Star Wars fans to travel to the set to personally berate him for ruining their treasured mythology." A considerable boon, considering how badly he screwed up our beloved Star Wars. Cinematical's thoughts were along the same lines, meaning maybe, just maybe, Hayden can use this respite from geekoid fanboys to learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 12:39 PM | Permalink

Category: Celebs

We're Through The Looking Glass Here: White Is Black and Black is White

You always had a feeling, didn't you, that comedian Dave Chapelle's catastrophic breakdown at the height of his fame was just a little too convenient for certain... ah... interests, wasn't it? Made you wonder whether certain... ah... powerful black cultural figures and entertainers hadn't had something to do with it? Drugs in his marijuana, perhaps? Some kind of chemical irritant in his Roos? Well, your aluminum foil hat has successfully protected you from the gubbment mind-control rays and you've managed to independently come to the conclusions established by The Chapelle Theory, BlogPulse's no. 28 top link today.

Nobody knows if the site is truthful, but that's all right, because on the blogosphere truth doesn't matter — all you need is a contention, y'know, an opinion... which for the purposes of Malkin and Kos alike is tantamount to gospel. A poster on this blog had his theories confirmed: "I knew that Cosby was up to no good. Who was he kiddin' with all those Jello Pudding Pop commercials." Nobody, it seems. TVSquad, at least, calls it a "good read," and writes: "Remember folks, if you're missing Chappelle's Show, just blame Fat Albert." Y'know how you can tell it's a hoax? In the introductory page, the Chappelle Theorist writes that Chapelle's fate is an " abhorrent byproduct of the industry I used to hold to such a high esteem." Anybody who says they ever held the entertainment game in high esteem has got to be a liar.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:49 AM | Permalink

Category: On The Telly

The Million-Dollar Monkey

Fifty point one million, to be precise — that's how much our furry friend snatched up from moviegoers this weekend. It's a respectable opening; not a bust, but also certainly not a bonzanza. (Take a look at this weekend's movie numbers here.) Everybody seems to have liked "King Kong," or, at least, not very many people seemed to loathe it. It even moved this blogger to tears: "I liked it. I cried a little at the end, because it's sad. Not sobbing or anything, but in that kind of 'can't stop a few tears from slipping out' way. Mostly, I thought it was way too long. Most of the stuff in the middle felt gratuitous to me. It's possible I'm biased because I loathe giant bugs, and I did in fact run to the ladies' room the time the men were attacked. I also felt horrible for the brontosaurs, who were just trying to get the hell away from predators and ended up in a fifteen brontosaur pile up." We should mention here that the American Dinosaur Family Council has denounced the flick for its "gratuitous anti-dinosaur rhetoric;" one of the strongest condemnations they've made since the "Jurassic Park" movies. This Physics Geek also enjoyed the movie, particularly Kong's performance, leading us to ask whether actor Andy Serkis — who was nominated for an Oscar for his Lord of the Rings role as Gollum — could expect another chance at an Academy Award?

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:55 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

The Enormous Gorilla That Became America's Sweetheart

We admit it — we didn't have the highest hopes for giant monkeys running amok in Depression-era New York. There's just something regressive about it... but as our eminent senior partner showed today, that gorilla, or King Kong, as he prefers to be known, is giving Jesus a run for his money, at least in blog currency. The comparison between the two of them is misleading, because Kong would totally smush Jesus underneath his enormous monkey foot, and if Jesus tried to run away on water to escape, Kong could easily wade through all but the deepest rivers to snatch him back. But King Kong's ability to beat up Jesus is just one of the things that make him so popular with bloggers and moviegoers these days — apparently people (and the non-people who populate the msm) like his movie. xT1 has some minor gripes, but otherwise glowed: "Maybe 10 minutes too long, but after the first fifteen minutes the story barrels along like the roller-coaster ride it is supposed to be. Kong vs the Dinosaurs is astounding, but it is annoyingly filmed in the currently-popular close-up , where a jumble of legs, teeth, arms, fists and heads blur past the camera. The odd medium shot wouldn’t have killed the mood, you know?" Noted. This Sci-Fi piece has some thoughtful remarks about how Adrien Brody's character is just like King Kong, which is all well and good, but we'd have to revise our comparison for him -- there's no way he could beat up Jesus. Check back Monday to see how much box office destruction the enormous ape ended up wreaking.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 12:23 PM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

Il Papa e Arrabbiato

We never read Dan Brown's thunderously popular book The Da Vinci Code, but we know so many people who did, and saw so many copies of it in so many airports across this great land, that we almost feel like we know the story, too. It's about Leonardo DaVinci, evidently, and some kind of code he came up with, possibly so he could send messages to his friends about girls he liked without them finding out. For some reason this angered the ultra-secret Catholic sect Opus Dei and a couple popes, who keep issuing fatwas or bulls or whatever on the topic of this book, and now have a new challenge — as of our no. 8 top link today, the movie trailer is out. A movie about a book this popular is inevitably going to provoke some strong reactions from bloggers, and it has, as evidenced by this remark by Screenhead: "...An awful but very popular book is made into what looks like an awful movie by people who get to keep making movies despite the fact that their last movie, A Beautiful Mind, was awful but popular. If we were filmmakers or had any ambition in that direction we’d have killed ourselves with a dull-pronged spork by now. The best we can say for this is that it seems to irritate the Pope." Meanwhile, this post criticizes the advertising campaign. At least this blogger is keeping an open mind about the movie. So are we, but the flick we're most looking forward to is this one.

(If your Italian's a little rusty, you might be interested to know the title of this post is "The Pope is angry.")

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:05 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

An iPod's New Best Friend

Those of us in the Internet gadget rumormongering community know that when ThinkSecret posts the latest "scoop" coming out of Steveland in Cupertino, it's always gospel, like their piece from this summer that said "sources" at Apple didn't think there'd be a fifth generation video iPod "anytime soon." So this latest report is administered with an appropriate granule of sodium chloride, but in our no. 37 top link today, AI writes that Apple will debut some kind of " iPod boombox" at MacWorld in January, and that it could have a hard drive, wireless connectivity of some kind, and even satellite radio. The Unofficial Apple Weblog has a photograph of what they think such a project could look like, but their post describes AppleInsider as "wacky," which does not speak well of its credibility. The wackiness continues with these responses on the relevant Engadget post, where one guy writes that he hopes the iPod boombox "supports video," and the whole thing just turns into madness. A boombox with an iPod, satellite radio, and a video display? What is this, the 21st century?

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:52 AM | Permalink

Category: The Gadget Scene

This Mission Just Got A Lot More Impossible

Good morning. Taped under the seat in front of you is a complete dossier on Subject C.; in a few minutes this train will pass through a tunnel — use the noise and darkness to retrieve the file. Have you got it? Excellent. The case is well known among operatives in our profession, and its latest chapter should not be surprising. Our intelligence indicates rumors of a new initiative in keeping with previous efforts along the same lines. Use these documents to refresh yourself on the operational situation thus far. Now, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to ensure nothing untoward takes place between now and the dispersal of this new installment. Do not permit bizarre religious cults to sidetrack Subject C. before H-Hour; do not permit Subject C. to become the subject of a nascent boycott before H-Hour; and, whatever you do, do not permit Subject C. to become the subject of a blog that started out as a joke but still persists out on the Internet. Didn't you read that this mission was going to be a lot more impossible?

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:38 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

They Can Put Data In What Now?

The year-in-retrospect blog posts, magazine stories and TV specials soon will be coming out in full force, and this gadget blog, our no. 1 blog post today, gets the prize so far for the best concept. It lists the oddest shapes that manufacturers have managed to stuff a little bit of flash memory into, including a human thumb, fish sticks, and even a Barbie doll — it's sick, you pop off her head and there's a USB port. It reminds of a time when we sat down in a Japanese restaurant, as we often do, and were served sushi. But when we tried to eat the sushi, it turned out to be a USB drive! Actually, that never happened. Still, the USB drives get a thumbs up from this blogger, whereas this one prefers the duckie. It's thumbs again for MandelBear, who writes: "Having a thumb sticking out of your computer is really, really weird, and it also gives a completely new meaning to the expression 'thumbdrive.' It looks very realistic, so you can probably use it in some pranks to your friends and colleagues." Probably. We'd rather find that in our sushi than a real thumb, anyway.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 01:52 PM | Permalink

Category: The Gadget Scene

The Lion, The Witch, and The Box Office

Well that whole Brokeback Mountain business was just a dodge... the flick opened in only a few towns this weekend and hasn't really done enough business yet to track, but we're keeping our eye on it. Meantime, this weekend's real story is The Chronicles of Narnia, which brought in $67 million and perhaps will answer a lot of criticisms of "liberal", "Jew-controlled" Hollywood, which the James Dobsons of the world seem to think has a constant political axe to grind with every movie. (Box office recap here.) But, as we've said before, the only iron rule in the movie game is that projects have to make money, and in that this filmed allegory about Christ, complete with talking beavers, has succeeded. Consider this breathless review, which describes the film as "a miracle." And its crossover appeal goes the other way, too: consider this post from GayOrbit: "For sure you can see the parallels to Christianity, but the story stands on it’s own merit, so don’t let any preconceived notions about it being Christian propoganda stop you from enjoying this wonderful film." For the record, it's interesting that the next-most successful flick this weekend was a picture called Syriana.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 11:32 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

That's Just The Way Boys Are

So Hollywood's got this new Western coming out, Brokeback Mountain, about two cowpokes who spend a magical summer up on the eponymous mountain and learn a lot about life, love and themselves. They have some kind of adventure, or maybe overcome some kind of adversity, and as a result ere'body and they momma is going ca-raazy about this flick. In fact, the short story that inspired it is Blogpulse's No. 20 top link today. The movie doesn't seem to be about making money — although, who knows, all the hype could translate into millions — but more about getting out there in time for Oscar consideration. And one roadblock to its success seems to have been cleared: Though it's about gay cowboys, many Christian groups say they won't protest or boycott the movie. (Though that probably doesn't mean they'll be lining up at the box office.) How will such a story play in George Bush's America? Check back on Monday for the recap.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:38 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

Mutants, Unite, Again!

Perhaps you pay attention only to "traditional" news and thought we were living in a depressing era of terror and torture. Well, you're half-right. The other half of the time, we're living in a new golden era of wintertime movie trailers — yesterday the sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean was unveiled, and today our no. 2 top link is the trailer for a little movie we like to call X-Men 3. The original director, Bryan Singer, may be gone, as well as that lovable blue German demon who charmed our hearts in the last movie ("In ze Munich sssircus I vas known as 'ze amazink Nightcrawler' "), but in his place is that beloved blue scientist known as Henry McCoy, aka Beast. Played by Kelsey Grammer, of course, he's a sublime casting choice that will shine through all that makeup and fur. Gosh, what must bloggers think about all this? Actually, they're pretty lukewarm. Twitch: "The first trailer for X3 has gone online and I have to say I was more than a little nervous going into this. I love both of Singer's X-Men films but between the last-minute director juggling, constant script revision, loss of key cast - losing Nightcrawler really hurts for me - and Halle Berry's continuous raging ego this is one that just screamed 'troubled production.' " People are also worried that Halle Berry now has short hair: "I really don't know what to think of Storm's hair. Honestly. What in the world is that? It's like she's trying to rock the black streaks in her hair that Chloe wore in "Rush". And it looked better on Chloe, I think." Picky, picky picky! Whatever, dude. This movie's gonna be sweet.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:23 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

Pirates, Be Ye Warned

Gyarr, ye scurvy swabs and so forth. Our no. 18 top link today is for the just-released trailer for a little movie called Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, and it has inspired quite the tizzy among bloggers. From the trailer we can deduce the presence of chills, spills, and, theoretically, thrills. British bombshell-cum-knockout Keira Knightly reprises her role as the hot Englishwoman who keeps getting kidnapped, and Orlando Bloom will go again as the less exciting, less cool male lead, because Keira can't fall in love with someone like Capt. Jack Sparrow. What would the censors say? Well, we know what bloggers are saying: "OMG Squeeeeee!! Pirates pirates pirates! Whee! This trailer has saved me from an otherwise grim and depressing day. I wish it didn't come out in July, though. March would be better, I think. Or sooner. I love Cap'n Jack and crew, and pirate movies are a must. Eee, I want it to be summer!" Given all the snow outside our window, that's not such a bad wish.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:50 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

Lifestyles of the Rich, Famous and Made-Up

Quick — who is the richest fictional character in the general English-language arts/cultural canon? Did you say Frank Cowperwood, from Theodore Dreiser's "The Titan?" Or maybe Jay Gatsby, F. Scott Fitgerald's beloved gangland tough with a heart of gold from "The Great Gatsby?" Both wrong! At least according to a piece in our top links today from Forbes, which has released its Fictional Fifteen and listed none other than Jolly Old St. Nick as the richest fictional character. (He's been buying up a lot of unused broadband connectivity and plans to set up his own networks in various American cities.) And what, boys and girls, always happen when somebody on the Web puts up an annotated list? That's right, bloggers start a-quibblin'. This one's glad Lex Luthor is richer than Bruce Wayne, but of course doesn't mention the reason is because Wayne gives so much away in charitable contributions. Typical bleeding heart.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:46 AM | Permalink

Category: Celebs

Too Many 13s, Charlize. Just Bad Luck

Our no. 13 top link today is for the flick "Aeon Flux," which made about $13 million this weekend in a distant second to You Know Who, whose cinematic juggernuat leaves only destruction in its wake. (Gory details, as always, are here.) And, whereas we didn't see "Flux," we saw the trailer, and had some questions about it, especially the part where Charlize Theron is firing two sub-machine guns — one forwards, one backwards — and wiping out rows of henchmen on either side of her. And we thought to ourselves, y'know, couldn't the henchmen to her right, whom she hasn't yet blasted, just, kind of, bust a cap right in her dome? Anyway, we weren't the only one suspicious of the project. The msm was characteristically vicious in its reviews, and judging from a few bloggers' reactions, the movie is demonstrative of that old Tinseltown truism: Charlize Theron Flying Through the Air in a Black Catsuit Does Not a Blockbuster Make. Abo8 spells it out for us: "The biggest thing missing from this movie is a plot, which is kinda something you need in a movie. There was too much unexplainable events and too much predictable and unrealistic events. This movie was so terrible I don't even know how I am going to rate it, I started out with a D- but it slowly crept lower, and F just leaves a strange uneasiness to my stomach. So I am rating this movie an R-, cause quiet frankly it was worse than retarded." And that, children, is why you may think in your budget meetings you can skimp on the writers, but why you never, ever should.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:17 AM | Permalink

Category: Moving Pictures

Steve Jobs Is In Your TV Set

No one who loiters as much as we do in the world's endless cybernetic convenience store parking lot (or "Internet," as it's also called) can miss the constant, throbbing buzz around Apple products, most typically around the company's newest iterations of its iPod. These days people are talking excitedly about the new computers Apple will release that, for the first time, will have Intel chips. What does that mean to you, Joe Punchclock, or you, Sally Sixpack? You can use it to record TV shows, but it's also a computer. That's the latest word from spy-site ThinkSecret, anyway, in BlogPulse's no. 15 top link. The new Mac Minis, it seems, will be set up to work as CD/DVD players, but they'll also serve as DVRs, too, if you feel like it, and may even have an integral iPod dock to make them the complete nucleus of tomorrow's home entertainment systems. Add to that the Front Row application debuted on the recent iMac G5 desktop machines, which allows you to access your computer with a remote, and you've got what adds up to — for lack of a better term — a spicy meat-a-ball. Mike criticizes ThinkSecret, though, for what he says is perhaps a superfluous bit of information: "Well, duh, I've been saying that since the Intel switch was announced... These guys tend to predict anything and everything, and if it doesn't happen, they imply Apple backed off of the coolness that coulda/shoulda been." Wait, so does that mean we shouldn't hold our breath for that Apple digital camera that TUAW wrote about yesterday?

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:26 AM | Permalink

Category: The Gadget Scene

New GOP Beneficiary: T.O.

Not since the man who goes by the plausible nickname of The King of the Streets praised the embattled official whose title is President of the United States — and that was yesterday — has there been an equally strange link between a Republican and a controversial non-political personage. In BlogPulse's no. 29 top link today, Pennsylvania Sen. Arlen Spector, who you might remember from his magic bullet theory, said he believes the Philadelphia Eagles dealt their controversial star Terrell Owens a raw deal. Because he dared speak his mind (and, sure, get in a fight with his teammates) Owens was barred from playing for the rest of the season, and the squad is also keeping him from playing for some other team somewhere. Not cricket, said Spector, and just for good measure said the Eagles decision might violate antitrust laws. 50 Cent and Bush? T.O. and Spector? What's next? Will US. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-Kan.) appear on TV and announce that he believes No Limit rapper C-Murder was wrongly convicted of his infamous nightclub shooting? Well, you've got to admit, that'd be pretty weird.

Posted by Philip Ewing at 10:19 AM | Permalink

Category: Sport Spectator