BULLETIN! Nick And Jessica Check Expedia For Direct Airfares To Splitsville!

As if planned to coincide with the low-pressure cold front that swept over the continental United States today, a definite chill has entered the vast electric lunchroom now that the msm and our no. 38 top link are confirming a split between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. (Even though, it was widely reported, they had some kind of contract requiring they always stay together. Ah yes, it was called "a marriage.") Look for prodigious mock-surprise and profusions of mock-disappointment, with a heavy lean towards blaming Jessica, whose creepily overbearing puppetmaster father seems generally to blame for the breakup. On the Us Weekly announcement, Gawker writes this: "One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, 'Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl America fell in love with anymore.' Oh, young America, were you ever really in love with her? Or were you just lusting? C’mon, be honest." This blogger, however, is mindful that these reports have been issued and debunked before: "Will this story be retracted later, like the last one was? Who knows? In the meantime, let's pretend it's 'Divorce On.'" Done. And, after all those terrible shows they made, let's not pretend this is any great loss.

Posted by Philip Ewing at October 6, 2005 10:42 AM

Category: Celebs